To Whom It May Concern

To whom it may concern (which means just about everyone I know),

For the most part of my life, especially the times that I fail, I have been using past afflictions as the excuse. Every time I fail, I have always been quick to convince everyone, particularly myself, it’s because of something awful that happened to me 20 – 25 years ago. Somehow, I always blame my past. I refuse to admit, even when I know it to be true, that it’s because I refuse to rise to the occasion and take the blame myself. I have always refused to acknowledge that if my life isn’t how it should be, it’s because of the choices I make.

I’m trying, yes, and I am aware of the truth, but every time I hit a snag, I always blame the world, or someone else, but never me. I get jealous of other people’s joy and I scorn at their carefree (or so it seems to me) lives because I think that they think they’re better than me, when all they do is live their own lives. I walk around sneering at their inability to find anything wrong with their lives. I sneer at them while they celebrate their lives telling myself that they know nothing, have seen nothing, have had nothing bad done to them. I revel in the pain of my past and find comfort in my scars.

Little do I know that I’m the sad one, trying to find reason and sanity in pain and failure. While my heart knows what true joy and peace is, my mind keeps trying to belittle my faith, thinking itself to be too clever. I do not realise that I’m not the only one trying to help me. While I blame the world for my falls, I do not see nor feel the hands that are trying to help me up. My pride at how damaged my life is astounds me. To think that I am actually pushing away the few people who are proud of me scares me. Have I gone so far as to not even believe that I’m still loved and still forgiven every waking moment? Have I gone so far as to not realise that there are people who love me and need me? Have I gone so far as to not have hope for a better future? Have I become so blind and deaf that I can’t see what God is doing in my life? Have I become so selfish that I don’t see what some people are doing for me? My arrogance disgusts me and I abhor my self-pity. While I am hurting, I fail to see that I’m hurting them too and that is inexcusable.

So I apologise to you – yes, to you reading this – for taking you for granted. For all the times you’ve stood by me and for still standing so, I thank you and give you not just my gratitude but my word to never ever forget again. While I may still fall and stumble, I tell you today that I will not shame you by blaming the road or the sky, nor the light or the dark, but I will pick myself up, dust myself off and keep walking. I will learn to embrace joy and learn to celebrate life’s victories with you without a hint of guilt over cheating on my past. I will make it my pride and joy to be happy for you and your achievements without feeling sorry for myself. I will see to it that you walk on even as you wait for me to catch up. I will remember that I told you I’d never stop trying. But most of all, I will remember to never believe the King of Lies again because I know the truth, I’ve known it for quite some time now, and I need to stop acting like the ignorant fool.

Forgive me,

Yours truly.